Thursday, January 10, 2013

Britain's Favourite Writing Instrument: The Final

It’s hard to believe now but we started this journey with eight terrific contestants, any one of whom could’ve been standing here tonight in our hunt for Britain’s favourite writing instrument 2013. Tonight is decision time in Strictly Come Writing with the Stars on Ice Factor.

I know we say this every time but, seriously, this year’s entrants truly were the best we’ve ever had and before we get down to the Moment of Truth, let’s look back at the highlights of this incredible journey.

I mean, who can forget the drama of week 1? Despite a perfect score from the judges, once the public vote was tallied, Quill Pen had to write again to survive.

“I tried to keep it light and fluffy, you know?” said Quill. “It’s been an amazing journey for me and I think I’ve become a bit of a icon for all the old writing instruments out there. We can still do it, you know. Don’t rule us out just yet.”

Unfortunately, our judges did. So Quill Pen’s dreams were over before they really began.

Barely had we got over that shock when it was Week 2 and the speed test which saw Morse Code telegraph machine stumble.

“.. - .----. ... / -... . . -. / .- -. / .- -- .- --.. .. -. --. / .--- --- ..- .-. -. . -.--,” said Morse. Which, while a bit slow, must be the most moving thing we’ve heard here on Strictly Writing. Morse is a real pro, I’m sure we’ve not heard the last of him.

But the contest presses on and barely had we got over that shock when it was Week 3 and the controversial wardrobe malfunction that saw everyone rushing to the stage to mop up ink.

“What can I say? These things happen,” said brave Fountain Pen. “The judges and the public praised me for the elegance of my lines and that’s what I’m going to take away from this, that’s the memory I’ll keep with me. Thanks for having me on the show.”

Barely had we got over that shock when we faced the Halloween Horror Special in week 4. Hopes were especially very high for one of our contestants in week 4 which made this exit all the more devastating. Yes, we all were all so certain that this was going to be Blood’s week, but no.

“Ow,” said Blood.

Barely had we got over that shock when things really hotted up for the semi-finals.

“At this stage, it’s really anyone’s game,” said head judge Alesha Dixon. “I think Biro has a lot more to give: it’s been a steady contender rather than a standout yet and maybe it has to pick up the pace now, maybe it has to show us what it can really do.

“But then I actually think that Pencil is the dark horse of the competition. It has had all that experience in space, that’s not to be discounted, and I really think it still has a point to prove. The only question for me is whether Pencil can really last the distance. I’m sorry to say but at times it does look worn down.

“Whereas our last two contenders, Typewriter and Computer Keyboard, I have to say they look the same to me. I can’t call it.”

Wasn’t it the most dramatic semi-final we’ve ever had? You have to take risks at the semis, you can’t play it safe, but risks are a risk and Typewriter paid the ultimate price when it tried to introduce music into its routine and things just went horribly wrong. “What can I say?” said Typewriter. “I just like jammin’.”

Of course, that wasn’t the only drama in this year’s semi-finals as for the first time ever, we literally lost one of the contestants. We could’ve sworn Biro was right there where we left it.

Barely had we got over that shock when we reached tonight. And our two finalists have done their very best.

Pencil, Keyboard, it’s been an amazing journey for both of you, but now you’ve done all you can. You’ve written for the last time and tonight one of you is going home, one of you is going to be crowned Britain’s Favourite Writing Instrument for 2013. Do either of you have anything you want to say to the judges and the millions watching at home?

“I’d just like to say what a privilege it’s been being on this incredible show,” said Keyboard. “And I’d just like to take this chance to say thanks to my lovely husband Qwerty and gorgeous daughter Azerty who’ve had to put up with my being away all this time.”

“That’s lovely,” said Alesha.

“Is it bollocks,” said Pencil, who unfortunately had to be immediately disqualified for snapping.

No comments: